May 23, 2024

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Happy Paws, Trained Hearts

Woman Jealous of Cat’s Health Insurance

2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Local millennial woman, Jane Torrio was left stunned and envious after discovering how much easier, effective, and better her cat’s health insurance was compared to her own, similarly frustrated sources confirmed.

“When Pickles started having a weird cough, I put off calling her Vet for weeks—which is exactly what I do when I get sick,” said Torrio. “When I called to make an appointment they said we could come in the next day. This blew me away because when I had strep throat, which the internet says can spread to your brain and turn you into a zombie, my doctor said they could ‘fit me in’ in four fucking weeks. To top it off, Pickle’s Vet office confirmed in one simple sentence that her visit was fully covered under insurance that I forget I even pay for, that’s how little it costs. I might try to take advantage of this and ask the Vet if any of the animal vaccines work on humans because my insurance company says they don’t cover preventative care.”

Veterinarian, Dr. Lee Schneider says a lot of pet parents find themselves wishing they had such comprehensive care.

“My practice has been noticing an interesting trend where a lot of owners will bring their perfectly healthy pets in with pretty bizarre ailments. I had one patient brought in because they ate mistletoe….in July? And upon realizing the pet is perfectly fine the owner will usually ask me to inspect an irregular mole on their backside ‘since they’re here anyway’ or they’ll just stick out their tongue unprompted. And ask if it looks okay?” said Dr. Schnieder. “Just yesterday I was called for a pet emergency that included a 34-year-old woman with IBS.”

Karen Stone, a California State Senator says it’s her personal mission to make sure pets all over this country have the best healthcare possible.

“I want to ensure every whisker, wagging tail, and saggy nipple is in good health in this great country. No pet should have to go without care in this country,” said Senator Stone. “With that said, I believe Medicare for All or any similar Obamacare-type dupes are bad for America. Our country supports lazy people enough as it is and to assume that we have the resources to pay for all your health bills is frankly insulting. But a happy pet makes a happy owner and happy people aren’t as sick. Which is why I know my mission to focus on pet healthcare will have ripple effects in the community.”

At press time, Torrio reported that Pickles was given medication for ADHD and anxiety and that she’s already been feeling much better.


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